There’s nothing quite like scanxiety to make me pause and re-examine my life. My drive to the hospital on Friday was filled with prayers, promises and dreams to manifest. I tried not to focus on the blurry screen. I also (unsuccessfully) attempted to block out the radiographer’s scary murmurings. But my appointment with the legendary Dr G followed immediately afterwards and she quickly swept aside any concerns. I was reminded once again that trust is everything. And boy do I trust her!
Later that day, I took my seat at the Cape Town city ballet’s performance. The two pieces were so exquisite that I found all the pent up tears streaming down my face as I ached to mimic the movements. But the tears were ones of relief and joy. Gratitude too. Dance is my passion and there was no better way to celebrate the day.
So much has happened in the last few months of this Corona journey. Not all of it good by any means. The losses are many and grief is a part of daily life. But there has been progress. It will be over one day and the rebuilding of our lives is possible.
My dual journeys have prompted me to create a daily to-do list, so that I can bring myself more perspective. I focus on each task and resolve to tackle it. By sunset, the list should be completed. However, procrastination still finds a way to creep in and some items are carried over to the next day. Okay sometimes to the next week. But they do stay until ticked off.
This time last year a drunk driver took a cyclist’s life in the blink of an eye. Saying farewell at a Zoom memorial was poignant in every way. And the family’s pain is still raw. It will be for a long, long time. In a flash lives are forever changed. I know mine has, more than once.
But what if we’re given the chance to pause, recalculate, change direction. Would we? I can’t change who I am but I can embrace it. I can also choose to use my time differently. It’s in my power to create a new future for myself. I am happily alive and full of energy. It’s my choice to go where I am celebrated and pass on places where I’m tolerated. Yes, cancer has reset my radar. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone in the whole world but it has given me the chance to do things differently. I’ve learnt to turn within, where love and light reside, rather than dive into drama and pain of someone else’s making.
I cannot turn the clock back. Of course there are decisions I would change if I could. I can look to the future and be more actively involved in creating it. Being a passenger was never a good idea. Even the role of backseat driver is no longer an option. Co-creator is what I’m aiming for. I really do mean that this time. And if I mess up, I’ll simply try again.
My point of focus is the present moment and I look forward not back. At least not much anyway. Feelings are far more important than I was ever led to believe. In fact, they are not to be stuffed down in order to make room for everyone else’s. Picking the chillies in my vegetable patch and admiring the herbs as they grow, is time well spent. I’ve moved some unhappy plants around but stopped short of asking them where they’d prefer to be, (at least not aloud anyway.)
Archie is my exception to the new rule though. He is enjoying the winter sunshine and I’ve happily given him the best chair in the room. Watching him stretch to warm his tummy gives me as much delight as it does him. And he puts all his trust in me…