Archie’s gentle plop heralded in the new day. He didn’t stay for a cuddle though but made for the kitchen and an early breakfast. I’d forgotten to lay out the fuchsia blanket. Not sure if it’s the colour or the fluffiness, but it is his favourite one and ups my chances of a visit. No such luck today. I’m beginning to suspect that his early morning forays coincide with Xena’s walks in the forest. The little hunter hates being left out of things. I’ll have him on any terms, but the niggling feeling of being second choice taps into my old hangup.
In a couple of days I’ll have completed Xeloda cycle number five. A week’s holiday will be followed by six – the very last one. After that, it’s a three week stretch of radiation. And then… the light at the end of the tunnel is drawing closer. I am very excited. I’m also nervous, a feeling I had not anticipated. There will be every reason to celebrate. And I shall! I can only imagine hearing the words, ‘cancer free.’ I think I’ll either float up to the ceiling or faint in the good doctor’s arms.
So what’s the nervousness about? Well, perhaps its because it heralds the end of at least one of these journeys. And that’s a good thing. The end of something also brings about the beginning of another. I want it. Am I ready? There’s still so much to prepare. Not that I haven’t started. My vegetarian lifestyle is on track, more or less. I just need to find a way to steer clear of the bread. I’m keeping up with my morning walks. Meditation and hypnosis have become an integral part of my life. As lockdown eases, I’ll be able to add more of my support systems again. And yes, I am super keen to rev up my life.
I have skirted my own question, I know. I think it’s because the answer goes against everything I’ve been putting out there. There is no 100% guarantee that the cancer will not resurface…one day. There. I’ve said it. But then as I know by now, life has no guarantees. There is also a big chance that everything I’m doing will pay off and I’ll choke on my third glass of sulphur free bubbly, or die of an overdose of chocolate cake just after my 100 Birthday party. I’ll be more than okay with that.
I’ve identified what I don’t want and that pulls what I do want, into focus. I plan to live the rest of my life holding onto love, not fear. Hope and joy need to be the first thoughts I allow in, every morning. There’s no time to waste on worrying. I have a long bucket list of adventures and the energy to boot. Passions need to be rekindled and new ones explored. The world is a myriad of beauty and I’ve only just begun to explore it.
So where does this nervousness fit in? It doesn’t really. It’s a fluttering in my peripheral vision, which I can pay attention to or starve of fuel. I choose which thoughts to entertain. That’s not to say I never have any negative ones. And no, I am not in denial. I just decide to go with the good feeling ones. There is always a choice.
There’s an egg left for my breakfast and I crack it into a bowl, as my slice of rye turns to toast. Archie leaps up onto his counter and gives me his most plaintive meeow. I hesitate for half a second before offering him the yoke. Xena will enjoy the white when she returns. Plum jam seems like a good second choice for me and yes, I get the irony.
Oh and you might want to take a second look at the silver haired woman in the shocking pink bikini next summer. You may just recognise her!