Change is afoot. Archie has given up his nightly therapy. Even when he returns from the hunt, my bed is not his destination. The fluffy blanket in the spare room is suddenly much more appealing. I need to be content with his morning head butt, the teeny reassurance of his love. Somehow he is convinced of something. I’m not sure what it is yet.
I’ve always prided myself on being a patient person. Sometimes too patient… but at the moment that’s not the case. This week I begin the second 12 weeks of chemo. It sounds formidable and a feeling of panic comes up in my throat. I am almost halfway through the tunnel. The light is dim and I feel a sense of urgency. I need to get there now. A few deep breaths and a lie on my deck chair, help me to calm down. Everything I have learnt, reminds me that my reaction is childish. I need to stay in the moment. One decision at a time. This is day to day stuff and it’s no use spiralling into panic mode. It’s a beautiful morning and I have so many things to be truly grateful for. A long walk on the beach is on my list and I’m feeling pretty frisky.
Focusing on gratitude is a funny thing. As soon as I think about all I have in my life, my impatience vanishes in a puff of smoke. There is only one way out of the tunnel and that’s through it. That means crawling. I can do that. My head is prickly with new growth. Who would have thought that could be so exciting? My eyebrows have stayed put. Some eyelashes have done a disappearing act. (Do they grow back again?) Muscle tone has vanished. I’ve been putting gym on hold but perhaps it’s time for a gentle return. Everything is pointing towards a shift.
New food cravings are surfacing on a daily basis. This morning I must have a couple of eggs. I crack them into a bowl and instantly two pairs of eyes appear at the kitchen entrance. Archie and Xena want theirs. My hunter needs a separate container though. His pellets need to stay dry. And yes he told me that in no uncertain terms. He has many virtues. Patience is not one of them.
My body is gearing up for something. I can feel it. I’ve learnt not to overthink things but one thing I know for sure is this. The body knows long before the mind does. And I’m listening to it as patiently as I possibly can…