I am that girl. The one who never gets sick. I juggle balls like a pro and generally dance through life fairly effortlessly. People energize me, I love parties and gatherings and living life to the full. I am one of those annoying optimists, who preach positive thinking around every corner.
New adventures are exactly what I look forward to. Bring on exciting journeys, is a favourite motto. So for my birthday this year, I received a really unexpected one. Surprises are just my thing. But when I opened this particular present, my first thought was to return it. A dance with the big C was certainly not on my radar. It couldn’t be meant for me…
Any minute the gentle woman across the desk would realise that she’d made a mistake. She had the wrong file in front of her. It was probably the next patient’s. The doctor held eye contact long enough for me to absorb what she was saying. A scan, biopsy, decisions about the way forward. My mind went into a speed wobble. It wasn’t me. She was talking about someone else. “Do you have any questions?” she asked. I fiddled with my bag as I tried to think of something vaguely intelligent. “No. At least not yet.”
The next few days went by in a blur of examinations. On Wednesday 7 August, my journey was made clear. The big C had appeared in my life. I bargained with God to let me take the other fork in the road. I promised that I’d learn all the lessons he wanted me to anyway. It wasn’t necessary for me to go that way. But it was not to be. I was already walking it. “Where are you now, Guardian Angels?” I sulked. I suppose I’m not much fun to protect when I’m throwing a tantrum. I’m hoping they’ll be back as soon as I’ve calmed down.
This is one of those play it by ear trips. I have no idea what to expect, so it will have to be seat of the pants stuff. I have done a little prep for the journey (with my daughter’s help of course.) My new pink walking shoes are ready and some cuddly pjs are also neatly packed in a drawer. It’s probably about time to get real and reveal some things I’ve kept hidden so far. Pink really is my favourite colour. I’m not as brave as I pretend to be. I have white coat syndrome, no matter how nice the doctor is. I do believe in miracles and I do talk to God.
I think this tunnel is long and dark, but I have no doubt there is a light at the end of it. I’ve had a sneak preview and so I’m keeping it in my mind’s eye as I crawl along. I’ll need you guys to keep shining the torch so that I can make my way towards it. Oh and have some bubbly on ice for when I emerge 🙂
I’ll keep you posted along the way!